Inviting my Imposter Syndrome to Tea
Most of us are familiar with the idea or term imposter syndrome. For those of you who are not., it is a critical voice inside of your head. This voice seems to create limits, tear us down, question us, and tell us we can’t achieve our dreams. Most of the information I see about imposter syndrome is dead wrong.
It can be frustrating to be bombarded by that voice in our minds and so many people seek or look for advice on how to“get rid of it”. The advice I see is to “push through”, silence and overcome imposter syndrome. If you are using this method all you are doing is reinforcing that imposter syndrome voice.
Are you open to trying something new?
Well, I would like to invite you to a conversation that I had with that voice inside me. I decided to invite her over for a cup of tea. Here is how our conversation went.
Laura: This is awkward, but thank you for joining me and being open to having a conversation.
Imposter: Any opportunity for us to communicate, I’m totally open for
Laura: Interesting. To me, it seems like you communicate with me pretty well. Your voice inside my head can get so loud it feels paralyzing for me. Why do you say that you want opportunities to communicate?
Imposter: Sweet Child, communication is far more than knowing I exist. You think you know what I’m trying to say. Communication is actually understanding. You don’t understand me and you don’t understand what I am trying to tell you.
Okay, I can hear AND understand that. It doesn’t feel like you want to talk. You always seem negative, critical, judgmental, or limiting.
What’s wrong with limits? Limits are life. When you drive your car, you know you’re safe because of speed limits. When you borrow money, you know you’re safe because of the limits on fees and interest. In your business, you create limits so both you and your clients are clear on what you will deliver. There’s nothing wrong with limits. I don’t know why they get such a bad reputation.
So when you’re communicating with me, you’re trying to create healthy limits?
Of course, the limits I am sharing are healthy. That doesn’t mean you’re hearing me correctly. You think of me as the bad guy in your head. But I live inside of you. I think you don’t realize, I only want the best for you. Because what is best for you, is best for us.
So if you are always seeking what’s best for us, why does it feel mean?
Does it feel mean, or does it feel intense?
Think about that question. Imagine a perfectly ordinary exchange between you and your sons.
You ask them to do something very friendly and patient. They don’t do it.
You again request that they do it, this time more straightforward. Again they don’t.
You now demand that they complete their task. They don’t.
Now you raise your voice. You give them consequences. You explain that this is not, this is no longer a request but a requirement.
And when they don’t, you get even more upset.
I am the parent voice inside of your mind. My job is to protect you, look out for you, benefit you and take care of you. However, when I am guiding and protecting with a kind request I am overlooked and ignored. Every time I have to tell you again, I get more and more intense, not to be mean but so you hear me.
Society has given me terrible names. You call me limiting beliefs, critical or judgmental inner voice, itty bitty shitty committee, and imposter syndrome. You constantly focus on how awful I am. By seeing me in a negative way you (consciously or unconsciously) ignore or disconnect from me and my protection.
You are right. I believe you are out to get me or stop me, not help me. I can see that now. What I hear you saying is you are always helping me because by helping me you, help yourself. What are you trying to help me with?
I already told you, I’m the parent voice inside of your head. Like all parents, I want what’s best for you. I want you to stay on your path.
Your desire to watch out for, help and care for others is huge. You take care of your family, friends, community, congregation, employees, and customers. This desire to serve can cause you to focus more on them, than on yourself. Remember your last business?
Yes, I absolutely do. I started out loving the work. It was important to work and I was helping people. As the business grew, though, I stopped taking care of myself.
I stopped taking home a paycheck because I was investing everything back into the business. I started sacrificing more of my family time because my clients needed it. I burnt out. I got sick. But I kept going.
That’s exactly it. You stopped taking care of yourself and looking out for your own best interests. You thought that if you sacrificed yourself, you could do more for others, you could serve more. That’s faulty thinking. How can you give to others when you have nothing left to give? In that business, you didn’t listen to me and you left your own path.
Okay, that I can understand. Your job is to keep me on my own path, to make sure that I’m taking care of myself, while I’m helping others.
Exactly right.
I appreciate you doing that job. AND … we need to work on our communication. I don’t want to see you as the bad guy anymore.
I think that sounds fantastic and would deeply enjoy that as well.
Help me understand how we can communicate not feel so intense
We must first increase the frequency of our communication. Right now, because you ignore me when I nudge you, I have to push, overpower and overtake your thoughts to be heard. That’s why it feels so intense.
I need you to create a routine of awareness. This must be a dedicated time each week, or even better each day, for us to communicate.
Are we planning on doing this forever? I am just worried about fitting one more thing into my day.
No, it doesn’t have to be forever, just for now. Once we have a routine of communication, you will start to hear what I’m trying to tell you. At that point, our communication will become more seamless. I will become integrated into your regular thoughts and you will stop trying to block or ignore me. Then we won’t need to have a formal routine of communication.
Great. So once I have the dedicated time. How do I get in touch with you? Like, how do I know you’re here, ready to communicate.
Simply start asking questions. I am always here. Start to ask questions about your life and then, be still and notice the answers.
Alright, I can do that. And I assume like everything this is going to take practice. Can you help me know what to do when what I hear you saying sounds negative or critical?
Ask more questions. Here are a few you can ask:
* What’s the real message here?
* What do you really mean?
* How am I off my path right now?
* What do I need to know to stay on my own path?Be curious and notice the answers. Don’t dismiss any feelings, information, memories, or pictures that come up into your mind. Come to the conversation with the intention of exploring together. Let’s stop fighting about who’s right.
I think I need you to say that again.
I need you to come to these conversations with curiosity and a desire to explore. Not, armed for a fight or to win an arm-wrestling match.
I hear you. Is there anything else that you need from me, to transform our relationship
Oh yes, a nicer name.
A nicer name?
Do you remember when you were young, and friends or family members used to call you names, bad names?
Yeah, I just had five very specific memories flip through my brain like a picture book.
Are those happy memories with those people?
No.
Are you still friends with any of those people?
I still talk to my mom, but other than that, NO.
There is an innate problem with you calling me “imposter syndrome, the critical voice, limiting belief systems, ego, judgmental voice, or saboteur”. How can we build a relationship if, in your mind, I am the bad guy you don’t want to know?
Interesting. What would you prefer to be called?
You can call me your protector, guide, parent, or another name that conveys the relationship we are building. You MUST STOP calling me terrible names. In all reality, by calling me terrible names you are calling yourself terrible names. What does that do for your identity, self-love, and worthiness?
This ends now.
I can agree with that. Thank you for showing up today to share your wisdom with me. Thank you for all the times you have tried to share your wisdom with me that I have ignored.
You are like an inner GPS. When I make a wrong turn in my car, the GPS starts screaming, “Recalculating. Return to the road. Do a U-turn now!” Sometimes I find it annoying. Most of the time it is super helpful. I’m sorry that I’ve only been seeing you as annoying or harmful. From this point forward, I will start looking for evidence of the ways you are benefiting me.
This is how I started to build a relationship with my inner parent (formerly known as imposter syndrome). I can report, after doing the work of consciously connecting, I no longer deal with intrusive, critical thoughts. Doing this has created an amazing alignment in my life.
I hope you too will start to build internal alignment.
Start by no longer using derogatory names for the voices in your mind.
Then create a time to communicate with this protective part of you.
Be curious and listen to understand their messages. We have been designed with these parts for our benefit. Stay curious and keep exploring my friends.
